Healthy Living

Dealing With Depression: One Reason At A Time

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Netflix’s most famous series: 13 reasons why has taken the world by a storm.

You must be living under a rock if you haven’t heard about this series. It deals with drama, suicide, depression and friendship. Yes, fans, you heard it right – friendship. With subtle underlying hints on how to find out whether a person is depressed or not, 13RW has made an impact on my life as well.

I have never been the type to fantasize about a series or to be so obsessed with it that I start quoting its dialogues and actually have hour-long discussions on them. I am a fan of GOT too and I have done my fair share of promotions for the show but 13RW was different. You’re good and kind and decent. I have actually forced people to watch this show and I am proud to inform you that none of them have had any regrets.

For a show that deals with depression, it sure caused a lot of hearts to go into one. The last four episodes, to say the least, caused the tissue boxes to come out.

When I started watching the show, I actually did not pay much attention to the facts and characters. I have never been spellbound by a story so hard that that’s the only thing on my mind all day long. I watched two episodes on the first day. And I watched it just for the sake of watching it since it was a recommendation by a close friend but I finished 8 episodes on the next day. I skipped college and stayed in bed all day long watching these episodes. And then came the climax, the final three episodes that made me cry as well. Mind you, I am not one to tear up easily yet there I sat, bawling my eyes out at the screen.

It started at ease – showing us scenes from our everyday lives. What Justin did with Hannah was something we could draw a picture of. Or maybe what Jessica and Alex did. These are all instances that happen around us and yet, we never pay attention to the consequences.

I lost my two best friends the same way. They did not start dating but they grew closer and further apart from me. And, it fucking pained me, broke my heart into a billion pieces. It still hurts. People call it a heartbreak but I felt the pain in my bones too. I had to hold my sides so often to stop the pain that I felt in my chest that sometimes I was afraid I will end up breaking my own bones. I can only imagine what she must’ve gone through. (I know this is fiction)

Also read: What Negative Thinking Does to your Brain

This article is not about my review for the series. But, if you want one, then: You’ll regret not watching it. But, this is about why she died or rather, killed herself. If you have seen the series then you know the reasons. But what many people fail to understand is why she killed herself.  “We all go through this. We don’t kill ourselves”, they said. So, this is my reply and I am sure you know what I am going to say. One word: Depression.

All her “friends” knew she was suffering from it. There were so many instances when you could see the pleading in her eyes. She wanted Clay to invite her again. She wanted to be with Courtney. She liked Zach and Justin. She even went to Mr. Porter for help! Was she really wrong? She placed her trust on all the wrong humans. No, whatever her friends did weren’t really that huge a deal but haven’t we all heard the phrase “actions have consequences”? So, why aren’t they wrong? Their actions had consequences too. They did not fathom the extent of the consequences but they must’ve expected it to come their way. No one knows for certain how much impact they have on the lives of other people. Oftentimes, we have no clue. Yet we push it just the same.

You cannot pick one person in certain to blame them for her death. It was a collection of the small instances that drove her into killing herself. I want it to stop. I want everything to stop. This is how crazy depression really is. Suicide is not an option yet for some people that is the only window that they see. You can blame me for writing this and you can assume that I am defending suicides but that is not the case.

I just want you to ask yourself one question. We are all afraid to die, yet, there are some people who choose death over life voluntarily. Don’t you think they must’ve gone through some really nasty things to have been driven to that point? Rather than pointing a finger at them and calling them weak, why can’t we just be there for them and really talk to them? You really don’t know what’s going on in someone’s life. So, why can’t we stop judging them? Why can we not control our actions?

Depression is a deadly disease. One that, in my humble opinion, is more dangerous than cancer. All bodily diseases can be found out and dealt with, unlike mental diseases. Often people suffering from these mental illnesses fail to realise their symptoms. This is the same case with depression.

There is one video that I recommend watching – “Explaining my Depression to my Mother” by Sabrina Benaim. If you see the video carefully, then you can see that she is having an anxiety attack right in the middle of her recitation. It is one of my most favourite poems. Being in depression is like being in a dark room. You know there is a matchstick somewhere to light the candle but you just can’t find it. You search through the entire room, encounter the various monsters yet that one little candle in your hand is still burned out. The matchsticks cannot be found. It is then that you feel threatened, scared and confused confined within the four walls of the room that you thought was your safe haven. You look for a window or a door; anything that will bring some light in but alas, everything is in vain. This is what a depressed person’s mind feels like.

I suffered from depression too. And, I have so often heard the phrase, “It’s all in your mind.” Well, I know. My mind is exactly the place where my monsters live. There was a time when they came out at night but now, as I look past the tinted window, I can feel them stretching their arms and legs as if waking up from a long slumber. At this very instant, I am strong enough to pick up my sword and start a war against them. But not everybody is. People grow tired of wars and fights and misery. There are times when they just give up because how long can you continue a fight? What if the only way not to feel bad, is to stop feeling, anything at all?

Also Read: Dear Depression

It is a feeling so hard to explain yet true to its very core. You can feel your skin being pricked by a needle but you cannot stop it. We know that there are people who love us and care for us but sometimes the pain becomes too much to handle. It is in these times that company is most desired. So, if you know someone who is broken or is going through something terrible, then, just stay with them. Don’t leave. If you don’t have anything to say, then, stay mum but just stay. Mind you, they will push you away. They will hurt you and tell you that they don’t need your company, just like Hannah told Clay, but remember, they need you most at that very instant. They will push you away because they feel unworthy of your love and that they may harm or hurt you if you stay around. And I didn’t deserve to be with someone like you. I never would. I would have ruined you. It wasn’t you. It was me and everything that’s happened to me.

Take care, of yourself and others around you and never forget the butterfly effect – small causes can have large effects.

If you’ll excuse me, Ma’am, this rebel is going to tear out into the night on his sweet ride.

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  1. Smita Kurolia

    August 2, 2017 at 1:13 am

    It’s necessary to talk about depression. Someone needs to initiate! Good article

    • Anisha Kandoi

      August 7, 2017 at 11:12 am

      Thank you 🙂
      And, yes, I agree. There are so many people suffering from it that we should finally deal with it as a disease and not a disorder.

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